Hi and welcome to our Spring Newsletter!
Here at the Consultancy we are springing around like lambs in the sunshine, excited by the many quality manuscripts that are being submitted to us. For those of you who are thinking of submitting, I am writing this little aide-memoire for your benefit and ours!
Before submitting your manuscript for an editorial report ask yourself a question. ‘Are you really sure that you have written and re-written to a point where you are absolutely satisfied with your work ? (because 90% of the manuscripts that we are sent are crap. Either because they are the single-spaced leakage of someone who has failed to notice the utter indifference of the world to their unique neuroses, or that the author has a mistaken belief that they are the love-child of an unnatural three-way coupling between James Joyce, Gertrude Stein and Jack Kerouac, thereby absolving them of the need for punctuation, spelling or sense). I am asking you this because we want to be able to help you to find the right place for your work (probably in the re-cycling) We’d love to guide your writing (and collect an introduction fee) in order to recommend you to an agent, (if you are anywhere near half-sane)
I am continually asked by writers ( hysterical monomaniacs who simper in that disingenuous way, which barely conceals the fact that they are screaming inside); ‘How can I get someone to read my work?’ Often they grasp my arm in supplication (and let’s face it, there’s something about an unpublished writer’s grasp which is second only in desperation to that of hydrophobic octopus).
In reply I tell them that I, or one of my large team (actually, Hilly, my unpaid intern) will do so for a reasonable price *see our Fees page* based on how many pages you send (but actually based on the price of a Spa Weekend in a boutique hotel ;and what could be fairer than that? Although I won’t be sending Hilly, who although having a PhD in Restoration Comedy wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the nuances of a rub down with Himalayan Salt and Maple Syrup – yum- I digress)
We aim to match your work closely to one of our varied team of experienced writers, ( basically, if you have written something hot, like Mummy Porn, anything Scandawegian involving sickening violence, or a Y.A. Crossover, then I shall give you my personal attention. If, however you have written some sad account of your pathetic life events in a misguided hommage to Anne Tyler, then you get Hilly) whose insight into your particular genre can be invaluable. (We have a list of genres pinned behind the towel on the office toilet wall). So rest assured that your manuscript will be assessed by an expert in as short a time as possible. (Hilly doesn’t mind working through lunch hours, I think she’s a vegan or a free-gan or possibly a no-gan, although she did turn terribly pale the other day, and would have fainted all over a very promising Dystopian Norwegian Y.A Crossover featuring erotic trolls, if I hadn’t whipped it away in time!)
This report in no way guarantees future publication. If you want to re-submit, we’d be happy to look at your manuscript for a reduced fee commensurate with our time (or a Tibetan Hot Acorn Massage). We’d love to hear from you soon, (ideally in time for me to take advantage of that special offer on a De- Luxe Spiritual Eco Retreat to New Guinea with the Duk Duk Tribesmen; all penis sheaths and so on, but absolute sweeties and totally enlightened, apparently), so start buffing up that manuscript until it shines (and if Hilly is still inconsiderately hospitalized, then there’s a steady supply of Oxbridge Geography Graduates that I can call on) and we shall read your manuscript and guide it in the way it deserves.